I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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