You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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