I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
