It's Friday. Sex?
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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