i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
