matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
it hurts more in the daytime
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
