my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize