You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Four minutes until I can fart!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
