Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
