how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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