I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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