If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
