We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
