Plan B is the new Plan A
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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