I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
