I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
