oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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