I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
