When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
