how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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