I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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