Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize