Don't you send me to vm
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
