11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
