Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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