Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
