you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
