Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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