before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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