So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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