those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
