Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
