living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
