he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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