Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
