Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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