but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
