You're my little dorito
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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