Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
