Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Randomize
