also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
