I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Randomize