my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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