FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize