I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We are all done wearing pants today
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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