I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
