dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
