My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
True strength comes from lack of pants
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
