Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
