Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
