My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
