I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
