She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
